Call me daddy

De setting: een kamer in paleis Huis ten Bosch. NAVO-blauw tapijt. Eén Amerikaans vlag. Eén Nederlandse vlag. Twee mannen. Eén missie.

– Mister President, your suit really knows how to make an impression, especially in all the right places. And those trousers fit you remarkably well!
– Well, you know, Marky. People always say I have the best suits. And frankly, the best butt in politics. Everybody talks about it!
– Please, let me look at you, Mister President!
[Trump draait zich om, bukt licht voorover, beide handen op zijn achterste]
– Yeah, it’s Italian made. Really tight around the butt. That’s what I told my tailor. I said: ‘I want these trousers to hug the greatness.’
– The greatest greatness I’ve ever seen, Mister President! Please, stay bent over. I love, love, love the view!
– Yeah! I have the best butt in the world. Everybody knows that. Even Putin looked once. Too long. But what’s on your little Dutch mind, Mark? Windmills? Tulips? Woke bicycles?
– I have a proposal, Mister President.
– I love proposals. As long as it doesn’t involve the United States paying for Ukraine.
– No, no. It is a serious proposal.
– You have my attention.
– In the Netherlands we have a saying: “Sometimes you must kiss the behind of the man who owns the place.”
– Yeah, I love that saying. In the White House everybody lives by that rule. They all kiss my ass.
– So, I was thinking: NATO is complicated. There is Ukraine. There is Russia. There is budget. And you are a man with… well… many desires.
– Go on.
– So, I thought: what better way to show NATO’s total loyalty, than… well… not only kissing butt, but also… eeh… licking your… backside.
– You mean… my presidential ass?
– Yes! The place between your… eeh… big beautiful cheeks. But not in a weird way! Just modest licking. In a purely diplomatic way. Between allies.
– Mark, that’s a tremendous idea! Just like the good old Epstein days! [Trump laat zijn broek zakken, buigt voorover, spreidt zijn billen] Let’s do this. But not too much tongue. I’m married. Well, technically. And call me daddy.
– Only the tip of my tongue, daddy! From NATO with love. Like signing a treaty. But with my face.

[Vijftien pijnlijke minuten later]

– Oh Marky, that was… wow! Even Macron never offered me this. He only sends cheese.
– We Dutch build bridges, daddy. And sometimes, those bridges go through the valley of… well… your beautiful big butt.

[Deur zwaait open. Het hoofd van Macron om de hoek. Rutte nog steeds geknield, vochtige kin. Trump sjort net zijn broek omhoog]

– Don’t be jealous, Emmanuel. Mark was just honoring Article 5… with his tongue.

Luuk Koelman
Luuk Koelman

Columnist (o.a. voor Nieuwe Revu), ghostwriter en schrijfcoach. Ik werk voor mensen die graag schrijven én voor mensen die liever niet schrijven.

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